According to Bloomberg Business, soaring valuations in 2026 have fueled a rush of retail investors into private companies like OpenAI through marketplaces such as Hiive and EquityZen. The key risk is a lack of easy exits, as these holdings are illiquid and unsuitable for anyone looking to make a quick buck. For exposure, options include complex special-purpose vehicles (SPVs) or buying shares of public beneficiaries like Microsoft and Nvidia. Bloomberg columnist Merryn Somerset Webb, who bought a share herself, concluded that investing in unlisted companies “isn’t for the fainthearted.” In other market moves, spot silver surged above $70 an ounce and gold neared $4,500 as traders bet on more Fed rate cuts, while oil rose for a fifth day amid tensions with Venezuela.
Private Market Fever Dream
Look, it’s the classic holiday tech stock question, right? It used to be Bitcoin. Now it’s OpenAI. And I get it—the FOMO is real when you hear about astronomical private valuations. But here’s the thing Bloomberg’s piece nails: this isn’t clicking a “buy” button on Robinhood. These private marketplaces are selling access, but they’re not selling liquidity. You’re basically locking your money in a vault and hoping someone else really wants to buy your key in a few years. That’s a world away from public markets. The report’s blunt advice about your time horizon is the most important part. If you might need that cash before, say, 2030, just forget it.
The Easier Paths In
So what if you’re still determined? The SPV route is for the committed and well-advised. It’s complex. Frankly, the simpler idea is just buying Microsoft. They’re OpenAI’s biggest backer, their Azure cloud is powering it all, and you can sell the stock tomorrow if you get spooked. Same goes for Nvidia—their chips are the literal engine. It’s a indirect bet, sure, but it’s a sane one. The ETFs mentioned, like the Global X AI & Tech ETF (AIQ), spread the bet even further. It’s less sexy than saying “I own a piece of OpenAI,” but it’s also less likely to give you an ulcer.
Metals, Oil, and Mega-Mansions
The other tidbits in the newsletter paint a wild picture of 2026. Silver at $70 an ounce? That’s a stunning move driven by that twin engine of geopolitical fear and the hunt for non-yielding assets when rates fall. It feels like a market hedging for more turbulence. And the oil price creep amid US-Venezuela tanker seizures is a reminder that old-school resource politics never really go away. Even the real estate note is a vibe check: a $30 million modernist estate on Sea Island, bought for a record by a political and billionaire power couple. It’s a different kind of asset class, but it’s all part of the same story of capital seeking its place.
The Bottom-Line Advice
Basically, when your uncle asks you about OpenAI stock at Christmas dinner, you have a few options. You can recite the risks of private illiquid investments. You can suggest the Microsoft backdoor. Or you can just quote Merryn Somerset Webb’s perfect line: it’s not for the fainthearted. Personally, I think that’s the one I’m going with. It politely ends the conversation and lets you get back to the pie. And sometimes, that’s the best investment strategy of all.
