According to Inc, columnist Joe Procopio has published a satirical piece imagining a corporate announcement where a fictional tech company with 10,000 employees across global hubs bans all online collaboration tools including Zoom, Teams, and Meet effective immediately. The fictional executive mandates that all business within 50 miles of company hubs must be conducted in-person, preferably in conference rooms, citing everything from productivity studies to the inability to “smell” colleagues over video calls. The announcement specifically targets remote collaboration tools that became essential during the 2020 pandemic, while simultaneously banning headphones and moving all gossip to designated water coolers instead of Slack. The piece humorously exposes the flawed reasoning behind many real-world return-to-office mandates while acknowledging the author’s own dislike of Zoom meetings.
When RTO Logic Gets Absurd
Here’s the thing about satire – it works because it’s uncomfortably close to reality. Procopio’s fictional company announcement hits all the notes we’ve been hearing from actual corporations: the selective reading of productivity studies, the obsession with “company culture,” and the thinly veiled justification of sunk costs in office real estate. The bit about needing to physically smell colleagues to build trust? That’s basically corporate-speak for “we don’t trust you to work without supervision.” And let’s be honest – how many of us have sat through actual meetings where leadership used similarly questionable logic to justify major policy changes?
The Productivity Paradox They Won’t Mention
The most telling part of the satire is when the fictional executive admits that half the studies show remote work is just as productive as in-office work, but they’re “going with the studies we like best.” Sound familiar? Companies love data-driven decision making until the data doesn’t support their preferred outcome. Meanwhile, they’re ignoring the actual productivity killers – like forcing Tokyo employees to commute to the office for a midnight meeting that immediately drops due to technical issues. The irony of banning reliable digital tools in favor of failing legacy systems is just too perfect.
When “Culture” Means Control
Let’s talk about that “one big happy family” line. Since when did corporate America become so concerned about creating familial bonds? The reality is that “culture” has become corporate code for control and surveillance. The suggestion that managers need to physically stand over employees’ shoulders for 3-6 months reveals what this is really about – they don’t trust their hiring process, their training, or their people. And the water cooler gossip mandate? That’s just acknowledging that informal networks drive organizations, while pretending to formalize something that should occur naturally.
Fighting the Inevitable
Look, I get that some companies are desperate to justify their massive real estate investments. But pretending we can turn back the clock to 2019 is like trying to un-invent the telephone. The cat’s out of the bag on remote work, and employees have proven for years that they can be productive outside the office. The companies that will thrive are the ones adapting to this new reality, not the ones writing satire-worthy memos about smelling colleagues. Procopio nails it when he says “you can’t fight the future” – even if, like him, you personally hate Zoom meetings. The future of work is flexible, whether Big Jimbo and his ban on “ear-thingies” like it or not.
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